Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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