I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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