I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
