I am midnight drunk by noon
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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