Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
