I am puke
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
