haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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