the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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