Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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