wrigley field is MILF paradise
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Less talking, more tequila
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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