My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
