omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
nutella sex= disaster
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
