He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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