I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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