can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
