and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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