oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
