K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
