if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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