____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
