I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were trust falling into bushes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
