Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
