the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass