The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.