Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.