remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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