Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
