Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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