So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
