I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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