the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
