I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
