I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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