Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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