OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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