I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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