remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
