i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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