she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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