She is in my trunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
