nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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