I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I lost the right to judge tonight
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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