he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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