but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
worst night to have a conscience
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
