Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
