Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
