I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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