Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know, be my cock's hype man.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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