I think my fart just growled at me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
