Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
