wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
