did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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