I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
