just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
