if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize