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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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