my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
