Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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