tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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