I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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