it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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