I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You can't just leave with hair like that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
