i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
