maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
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This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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