How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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